Know Your Joe: Tunnel Rat
by Red Witch
Summary: Quick Kick and Short Fuse head to the sewers for their strangest interview yet. And with the Joes that's saying something.


**Once again I don't own any GI Joe characters! Yes once again despite popular appeal I'm continuing my series. And it goes on and on and on…**

**Know Your Joe: Tunnel Rat**

"Hey guys!" Shipwreck called out. "Quick Kick and Short Fuse are on TV again!" 

"They don't know the meaning of the word 'quit' do they?" Lady Jaye asked.

"They also don't know the meaning of the word 'disembowelment' either," Low Light grumbled. "My fault, next time I threaten them I should be more coherent." 

"Greetings!" Short Fuse waved. "And welcome once again to Know Your Joe! Right here we're gonna be interviewing our resident expert on the underground, Tunnel Rat! We're here on location in the sewer system somewhere around the Pit. Thought we'd give the viewers kind of a 'hands on' feel to our subject this week."

"That and the fact that we no longer have a studio," Quick Kick's voice could be heard.

"Just shut up and hold the camera," Short Fuse told him.

"Why do I gotta do it?" Quick Kick whined.

"Because you lost the toss," Short Fuse told him. He then turned to Tunnel Rat. "So we are actually in the sewer system of the Pit?" 

"Yes we are," Tunnel Rat told them. "Anything and everything goes through here at one point or another." 

"I just hope they're not serving burritos today for lunch," Quick Kick muttered. 

"So you're going to give us kind of a private tour of our own sewers as part of your interview?" Short Fuse asked.

"Quite appropriate if you think about it," Low Light grinned. 

"The sewers of the Pit are really quite fascinating," Tunnel Rat told them. "As you can see it's much larger than your average sewer. And cleaner. Hardly any rats at all."

"Why is that?" Quick Kick asked. "Don't tell me there's an alligator in the sewer here?"

"Okay I won't tell you," Tunnel Rat said with a straight face. Then he chuckled. "Just kidding! A little sewer humor there. No there are no alligators down here or mutant turtles or anything like that. That's all a myth."

"Well that's a relief," Short Fuse nodded. 

"Just Pinchy, the giant mutated lobster," Tunnel Rat said. 

"Ha ha very funny," Short Fuse said. Then he looked at Tunnel Rat. "You're serious? How the heck did we end up with a giant lobster in our sewers?"

"Well its kind of a combination of BA's cooking, some radioactive waste and one too many extra chemical from Airtight's experiments leaking down here," Tunnel Rat told him. "But don't worry he won't hurt you as long as you're with me. I kind of trained him."

"You trained a giant mutated lobster?" Short Fuse asked. "Is that possible? I mean how effective can that be?"

"Oh pretty effective actually," Tunnel Rat shone a light on some destroyed Battle Android Troopers. "Pinchy did this when he was little. He's a lot bigger now and stronger. Why do you think we've never been attacked through the sewer system before?" 

"Uh I think we should be moving on now," Short Fuse gulped. 

"Don't worry like I said Pinchy won't hurt you if you're with me," Tunnel Rat told them. "But if you do end up down here for some reason let me give you a tip, don't bother using lasers or bullets on him. Hide's tougher than a tank."

"Well is there anything that does stop him?" Quick Kick asked.

"Yeah butter," Tunnel Rat told him. "Pinchy hates butter. Like I said he had a bad experience with BA's cooking. Freaks him out." 

"Well that's handy to know," Quick Kick muttered. "I think somebody's seen one too many weird cartoons." 

"So what part of the sewers are we in now?" Short Fuse asked.

"My favorite part," Tunnel Rat said. "Now just go down here." They came to a door. "You guys are in for a real treat." He opened it to a small hallway with another door. "Okay guys I'm gonna ask you to take off your shoes here."

"Why?" Short Fuse asked.

"I don't want you getting stuff all over my clean floor," Tunnel Rat explained. They took off their shoes. Tunnel Rat then punched in some numbers on the door lock. "This is really cool!" 

"What is this?" Short Fuse asked. 

"My personal sanctuary," Tunnel Rat grinned as he opened the door. "My home away from home." Inside was a room that was as lavish as any in Buckingham Palace.

"Whoa! What a place!" Short Fuse whistled. 

"Hey is that a water fountain?" Quick Kick asked. 

"So this is the other side of Tunnel Rat huh?" Short Fuse asked. 

"That's me, Nicky Lee!" Tunnel Rat grinned. He sat down in a huge chair. "Just relax and make yourselves at home? Need a drink? Yo Joe Cola? Martini?"

"Some soda would be nice," Short Fuse shrugged.

"I'll take a martini," Quick Kick said. 

Tunnel Rat clapped his hands and a mini robot came out with some soda on a tray. "Man Rat where did you get all this stuff?" Short Fuse asked.

"It's amazing what you can find on E-bay," Tunnel Rat said. "So why don't you ask away!" 

"Okay," Short Fuse took a drink. "Is it true that you grew up in Brooklyn New York?"

"Yup, born and bred," Tunnel Rat told him.

"So how in the world did you ever get interested in sewers?" Short Fuse asked.

"Well it all goes back to when I was a kid," Tunnel Rat said. "See I grew up in a really tough neighborhood. And back then a kid with a multi-cultural background wasn't exactly looked on with respect. Lotta kids picked on me. If I was lucky I only got beat up once or twice a week."

"Really?" Quick Kick asked. "What is your background if I might ask?"

"Well I'm part Irish, Chinese, Spanish, Indian and I think I'm Native American on my grandfather's side," Tunnel Rat told him. "Or is that Native American and then Indian on my grandmother's side? I get them confused. Anyway needless to say I had a lot of great meals growing up. Every night was like eating at the United Nations, and just as loud! Became pretty much an expert on different cuisines."

"Really I had no idea," Short Fuse asked.

"The only problem was that I had so many different backgrounds I could never really fit into any of the gangs around my neighborhood," Tunnel Rat said. "I mean I never really knew where I fit in. Not to mention the fact that I was the shortest kid in the neighborhood didn't exactly help me. So I had to learn to fight real good real fast."

"I can imagine," Quick Kick told him. 

"Getting to and from school was a battlefield in itself," Tunnel Rat said. "Until one day I accidentally fell down the sewer drains while I was running from these other kids. I discovered that there was a tunnel running right from near my apartment to the school. And even better, there were tunnels that could take me all over the city without being hassled."

"Weren't you ever scared going underground?" Short Fuse asked. "I mean with the dark and all them rats and stuff?"

"Nah I always had a flashlight on me," Tunnel Rat waved. "And I preferred the company of the four legged rats to the ones with two legs if you get my drift. I even trained a few."

"Let me guess, one of your favorite movies is 'Willard'?" Short Fuse sighed.

"Yeah how'd you know?" Tunnel Rat asked. Then he heard a scraping sound. "Oh Pinchy's home!" 

"I think it's time we must be leaving," Short Fuse gulped. 

"No, no! Here Pinchy! Here Pinchy! Good boy!" Tunnel Rat called to a lobster the size of a Great Dane. It immediately pounced on Short Fuse. "Hey he likes you!" 

"How can you tell?" Quick Kick asked.

"He didn't rip him apart with his claws," Tunnel Rat said. "Wow he really likes you Short Fuse!" 

"I think **she **likes me a little **too **much!" Short Fuse screamed. 

"Pinchy! No! Bad lobster! Bad lobster!" Tunnel Rat snapped. "Don't make me get the lemon wedges!" 

"I never thought I'd actually see a man getting molested by a lobster on television," Shipwreck watched the insanity on television. "Okay once on shore leave but never on TV!"

"Nothing's sacred anymore," Dial Tone shook his head. "You think we should do something?" 

"Yeah root for the lobster to tear him to shreds," Low Light remarked. "GO PINCHY!" 

"PINCHY NO! NOT THE CAMERA! NOT THE …" Quick Kick shouted. Then there was static on the television.

"HOORAY FOR PINCHY!" All the Joes shouted with glee.

"I've always liked lobsters," Low Light grinned. 


End file.
